The worst day.

I cannot begin to fathom how much things have changed in the last 24 hours... Last night I went to bed dreading the idea of getting up to go to the dr this morning i had to be there at 9 and i have had such a hard time waking up recently.

This morning I got up at 7:30 and got ready for my appointment. I had my normal (high risk, but normal) OB appointment this morning. I got to the hospital for the appointment and had to hunt for 30 minutes for parking. I was pretty irritated that I was late because there was absolutely no parking.

I went in to the office apologizing profusely for being late. They were very understanding (which is fortunate because a lot of times on post they are not.) and checked me in. I got called back and they did all the normal vital signs and weight and such. And then the dr came in. He measured me and then did an ultrasound because that is the standard procedure when you have twins.

We were talking about my weight gain (which was right on track! He was saying how well I was carrying) while he did the ultrasound. Suddenly, he got this funny look on his face, turned the monitor away from me and keeps talking, but seems distracted.

I knew then that something was wrong.

He turned the monitor back to me and says well here is one, and she was moving around and I could feel that. And he says and here is the other, not moving. My heart stopped, but he didn't say the baby was gone so I asked if he was just sleeping. I have never seen a doctor want to cry before, and I knew. He said no, he has no heartbeat. I completely lost it.

He then told me that they had to do an ultrasound and bloodwork which is routine and that the head of the department, colonel spooner would be in to speak with me. She was really sweet about it all...

The most I remember from that point is a bunch of crying, phone calls to my husbands unit (because he is still deployed) and a bunch of people hugging me. The col. Spooner took me in for the ultrasound. Her biggest concern was the growth of the remaining baby, and If she was going to survive.

She told me that her heartbeat is strong, and her growth is perfect from the ultrasound done 3 weeks ago. Then she measured little boy. He has had no significant growth since the last ultrasound. Which means that I lost him either 3 weeks ago. Or he didn't grow and that's what happened. I had no pain, no spotting, no bleeding, still gaining weight, everything seemed fine to me.

At that point she said that she was going to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be on the safe side and check my cervix. She had no reason to be worried that something was up, she was just being thorough.

At that point she told me that I am dialated to 2cm. I freaked!! If I thought I lost it before, this was nothing. She told me that they are now admitting me to the hospital because they need to see what is going on. Their thought is that my body is trying to expel little boy. which is bad because he was baby #2. Meaning he is second in line to be born. He cannot come out unless little girl comes out first.

Needless to say, Im in a pretty bad place right now. I really just needed a place to get my thoughts straight. I have been unable to think or process any of it. I just want to melt and disappear. The sent a red cross message overseas for hubby and he should be home late tomorrow. I'm hoping that I can keep from having a total melt down until he is here.